RESPONSE:

Standards must be kept. However, I focus on the positive and use contingencies—rather than focusing on punishments, which are negative.

As a former athletic director of a large urban high school, here is how I approached it: It is a privilege to be on an athletic team. Membership on a team can be one of the greatest experiences a young person can have.

Second point to students: This is a team endeavor. The team comes first. Therefore, only those things that add to the team’s best interests are allowed.

Here is the kicker and what a contingency looks like: You may continue to participate if you. . . . (to be completed).

Traditional thinking imposes punishments. Contingencies, in contrast, focus on the positive and put the responsibility on the youth.

If a person does not live up to the contingency, the follow-up action begins. It is not the action but rather the positive, internally motivational approach that is critical.

Note also that with a contingency the responsibility is on the youngster. With punishment, the responsibility is on the enforcer.

Now, if the problem has to do with regular physical education classes, rather than athletics, we are in a different situation.

First, the curriculum needs to be looked at, viz., are athletics the focus or physical education the focus? Although not mutually exclusive, they are not synonymous.

If a student refuses to dress or participate, the student has a very personal reason for it. Forcing obedience will not be successful with a person whose personal feelings and beliefs are more important than a teacher’s request. In such cases, a student will choose defiance.

Using reflective questions and then empowering and encouraging will go further than forcing obedience.

Finally, you have a personal and professional decision to make. You know from your experience how to build youth. Let your fellow coaches get on your train. Don’t leave yours to join them.

I am using the RAISE RESPONSIBILITY SYSTEM and feel like I am not only training my students, but training myself, also. It’s taking practice to learn to say “Certainly, when you have….” instead of “No!” But it’s working when I do.

It feels odd to simply say “Thank you” when a student tells me the level of behavior he or she was acting on and move on. Most of the time it works powerfully. They look at me with a baffled expression and we go on with class. Sometimes, there is an atmosphere that doesn’t seem to be working, and I’m not sure what to do next. I went back to the old method of names and checks on the board Friday (highly approved of at my school) but that isn’t working for me. I’m struggling with how to move into doing the responsibility essay and which one to use and when.

I have shared the “chair” illustration with so many people—the one that shows how good it feels to be responsible. It makes total sense to me. Thanks for the new mantra to learn and use: “Responsibility finds a way; irresponsibility finds an excuse.” I’m excited to find a way to make the system work for me.

RESPONSE:

A few suggestions:
Use the Essay Form and the Self-Diagnostic Referral, the third part of Chapter Three in the book.

Pick one or two students who are really causing problems and tell them that YOU have a problem and NEED THEIR HELP. Don’t be afraid to do this. It puts them in a position of helping you and empowers them. Do this in private and have a few ideas how they can help you, e.g., secretary to record the lesson and report to the class the next day, coordinate the passing out or collecting of supplies—anything where they are given some responsibility.

When students feel good about themselves, almost invariably as a result of their own efforts, their chances of behaving on levels C or D dramatically increase.

When someone continues to disrupt the class, have a private conversation and say, “Is what you are doing is  appropriate for your potential?” What do you suggest we do about it? (Be ready to ask, “What else?” “What else?” until you are satisfied with an answer. If the student says, “I don’t know,” respond with an empowering remark, such as, “As capable as you are, I don’t believe that.” After eliciting an acceptable consequence, establish a procedure by asking, “What specifically will you do to remind yourself when the urge comes again?”

Check the section of the book on classroom meetings. Put the problem on the table. Let them know that it is not your problem, but theirs. You will teach whether or not they learn. Teaching is what you do. They have the choice to learn or not. You will not force them to learn—that you cannot force learning even if you wanted to. You are in the boat together. They have the choice of rowing together with you and making  progress or pulling in a different direction and going nowhere—but they will not be allowed to rock the boat. Conclude with the charge: “The decision is yours.”

The key is to have high expectations (levels C or D) and to empower them, rather than overpower them.

My two daughters, aged 7 and 9, attend a school in Sydney, Australia. Since they started there, I have been disturbed by a commonly used practice in the school.

Children are rewarded and punished through the use of a happy versus a sad side of the board. Their names are placed on either side according to their behaviour. Everyone in the class can see the names. I fear for the children whose names are frequently guests of the sad side.

To add to my discomfort, my 9 year old who has just begun 4th grade has a new addition in her classroom to the sad side. It is a “sorry song.” Children whose names appear on the sad side are required to stand up in front of the class at the end of the day and sing this song! This is so very humiliating for those genuinely regretful and fabulously rewarding for those attention seekers amongst the sad side guests!

My 4th grader has also been introduced to a token money system where children are rewarded with “class money” for what is judged by the teacher to be good behaviour. I see no consistency in this judgement and feel it is arbitrary making it even more discouraging.

I wondered if you had any experience with such practices. I struggle to see the positive in these strategies and am concerned especially for the children in my 4th grader’s class. I value your opinion.

RESPONSE:

Unfortunately, schools around the world are still using antiquated and counterproductive approaches to discipline young people.

Discipline comes from the same Latin root as the word disciple: DISCIPERE—to teach or comprehend.

Children are developmentally incomplete. They require socialization, instruction, and correction to shape egocentric behavior into successful interpersonal skills.

The crux of school discipline turns on how instruction and correction are provided.

The literature on school discipline reflects what the fields of applied behavior analysis and special education have stressed for 40 years: Punishment, especially punishment alone, cannot teach positive behaviors.

The literature on negative consequences has consistently demonstrated a host of serious side-effects in using punishment-based approaches—including escape, counter-aggression, and progressively stiffer consequences.

Here is a suggestion. Go to the website, www.AboutDiscipline.com. After reading it, share it with the school principal.

Additional information and a more efficient and effective way to discipline is found in the book at DisciplineWithoutStress.com.

Finally, insist that the teacher stop using the approach of humiliating your child. Start by asking her if s/he would like the principal of the school to use the same approach on the teacher in front of the other staff members. Young people, just like older people, should be treated with dignity.

Persist in your endeavors. You will be doing right for your children, the teacher, the principal, and the school.

With this in mind, let me share an  e-mail I received from my sister-in-law, Bobbie Marshall:

“Let’s see if I understand how America works lately.

‘If a woman burns her thighs from the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blam the school for poor sex education.

‘If a neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If a cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, he blames the government for not providing clean ones.

“If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.”

So if I suddenly depart from this world while writing about how to promote responsibility,  blame my computer.

2.) I have read several books that work with similar ideas to yours. “Without Boundaries” by Janet Wood, “The Continuum Concept” by Jean Liedloff, and materials on Taking Children Seriously (an educational/parenting/human relations theory). They make a great deal of sense to me, but I am at a loss as to how to implement this kind of teaching of right/wrong, appropriate/ inappropriate behavior to the youngest of children (birth to toddler). Most of us were raised in a way that is very different from this approach, so without a working model, it is difficult to put into practice. I have done my best based on what I have read, but still feel I could understand it better.

Response:
1) Share with the faculty the National Parent Teachers Association’s definition of discipline:
“To many people, discipline means punishment. But, actually, to discipline means to teach. Rather than punishment, discipline should be a positive way of helping and guiding children to achieve self-control.” (Discipline: A Parent’s Guide ,  Copyright 1993 by the National PTA)

To do it, teach your students the four levels of social development described in Chapter 3 of the book, “Discipline without Stress® Punishments or Rewards.” A description of the Raise Responsibility is also on the site www.MarvinMarshall.com.

THE MOST EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE IS NOT PUNITIVE. Self-evaluation and self-change is far more effective.

One of my students behaves like a bully, hits his classmates and threatens to hit them outside the classroom. He pushes them or he sometimes makes them stumble. Today he used vulgarity.

I decided to send a note to his parents, and asked the student to write the following:

“Dear Mom and Dad,
Today I told a classmate to ‘Kiss my ass.’”

He once told me that his mother never punished him or paid any attention to him.

When his mother read the note, she became outraged and decided to come and talk to me. She was quite rude and almost insulted me but I remained calm all the same.

I just wanted to make him take responsibility and wondered what you would have done.

RESPONSE:
Smart for staying calm!

Remember that you are being paid to teach the child, not his parents. It is a sad fact of life today that too many parents are confrontational—rather than supportive.

If a similar situation occurs, ask the parent, “What do you suggest?” If the parent goes on a rampage, say, “I understand, but what do you suggest?”

Remember the person who asks the question controls the conversation.

With the student, say, “This behavior is unacceptable.” Than say, “What do you suggest we do about it? Keep to asking, ”What else?” “What else?” until a satisfactory solution is elicited.

Your task is particularly difficult because the youngster is manipulating his mother—and she does not even realize it.

Just let the student know that what he does outside of school is his business, but what he does in school is yours. Only levels C or D are acceptable, and if he does not behave at these levels he will own the consequence because he will choose it.

When the youngster misbehaves, he is the one to feel the stress—not you. And that goes for his mother, too!

Finally, review the chapter on “Classroom Meetings.”

Put the problem on the table. His behavior is the class’s problem, also. Let fellow students come up with some suggestions—with the bully present. Students hearing their peers is far more powerful than being told by an adult. This student needs some “emotional intelligence.” His classmates can help him.

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IMPULSE MANAGEMENT POSTERS and CARDS

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Learning a procedure to respond appropriately to impulses is described on the Impulse Management link.

The ultimate use of power should be to empower others.
That’s what our constitution is about.

What we accomplish by threats and coercion must be maintained by force.
What we accomplish by guiding and caring is self-propelling.

Real power consists in creating a situation where coercion need not be exercised.
—William Glasser, M.D.

In all my experiences, I have never seen lasting solutions to problems, lasting happiness and success, that came from the outside in.

—Stephen Covey, Ph.D.

Can you give me an easy way to explain to someone the difference between punishment and discipline?

RESPONSE:

PUNISHMENT is what is done TO a person.

DISCIPLINE is what is done FOR and WITH a person.

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COMMENTS FROM OTHERS:

“Discipline is understood in a very limited way by most educators—How do we get these children to behave?—rather than How do we support the people in our charge as they learn to channel and direct their positive energy in ways that accomplish their goals and those of their community?”
—Dr. Richard E. Clark, Chair Department of Educational Psychology, University of Southern California

“To many people, discipline means punishment. But, actually, to discipline means to teach. Rather than punishment, discipline should be a positive way of helping and guiding children to achieve self-control.
—Discipline: A Parent’s Guide © 1993 by the National PTA^®

I have been working on teaching procedures for appropriate noise levels. I think the kids don’t really know how to control their voices very well yet and need specific instruction on how and why to do it—as well as a way to remember to do it. Any suggestions?

RESPONSE :

Use a numerical level for noise.

Level zero – Silence.

Level 1 – Whispering – The voice you use when whispering. Only the person you are whispering to should hear you.

Level 2 – Speaking voice – The one you use when having a conversation.

Level 3 – Group voice – The voice you use when giving a report to a group.

Level 4 – Playground voice – The voice you use at recess when you are playing games or shouting to your friends.

Level 5 – SCREAMING – This voice you use when you need help because you are hurt or in danger. The only other time you might use this voice is when you are cheering for a sports team.

Inform students before you start every activity what noise level you expect.

Other examples are available here.

Level C for COOPERATION is in green, as is Level D. Although the goal for young  people is to strive for level D motivation, either of these two levels is acceptable.

Level C for CONFORMITY is in YELLOW to remind people to reflect—to be cautious (as in a yellow traffic signal)—before engaging in an activity suggested by a peer. This is especially the case when the suggestion will lead to inappropriate or irresponsible behavior.

Having a visible reminder, as the cards, assists young people to make responsible choices. The reverse of the cards has the visual for  an impulse control technique.