Not that you remember your last dream, but if you asked yourself whether you visualized the dream in words—as you are reading now—or you visualized in pictures (images), you will conclude that you dreamt in visuals. (Remember that in human history reading is a relevantly recent development, and only in very recent times has the printed word become available to the “common folk.”)

Being aware that people think in pictures—that they construct visuals in their minds—can help you become more effective.

When in an airport recently, I  heard the gate agent say to a young boy, “Don’t go down the ramp.” I knew a problem had been created. Just a few minutes after the airport official finished his sentence, I saw him chase after the youngster—down the ramp.

Can you picture “Don’t”?

Think of the parent who has a challenge with the child who wets his bed. After tucking him in, the parent said, “Don’t wet your bed tonight.” What will the child visualize upon falling asleep?

How much more effective would be the statement, “Let’s see if you can keep your bed dry tonight.”

Which statement conjures up the image the parent wants?

Chances are the airline gate agent would have had less stress and more success saying to the youngster, who was curious to go down the ramp, something like, “Everyone needs a special pass to go there.”

While waiting in the office to present a seminar to a middle school faculty recently, I glanced at the school rules—-all phrased in negative terms. Automatically, my mental exercise was to immediately rephrase them in positive terms. The process is so easy once you become conscious of it and practice changing negative pictures into positive ones.

My experiences have taught me that people do better with positive images rather than with negative ones.

Let’s not forget that we adults are grown-up kids in this regard. We also communicate and process information best in picture form. Communicate your message by painting the picture you WANT to have created, not the one you don’t want.

Dejected players filed into a team meeting a few days before the game. Holtz picked up some newspapers and pointed out that papers have a front page for people who want the news, an editorial page for those who want opinions, and comics for people who want to be amused. He continued, “I’m amazed that you’re ready to roll over and die because you read your obituary in the newspapers.”

He warned them, “Don’t let other people tear you down and destroy your confidence.”

Holtz then asked each athlete to stand up and explain why he thought Arkansas could win the game.

Each player stood, one by one, and pointed out one of the team’s strengths or what a particular individual had to offer. As they talked, Holtz reported that he could actually see their attitudes changing. They realized their strengths and made a commitment to one another to do their best.

Following that meeting, the Arkansas team had an unbelievable practice. The next day, they beat Oklahoma 31-6.

Holtz’ motivational secret was to prompt the players to tell him why they were good. After he pointed his players in a positive direction, he just listened.

The answer quickly came: “Being unafraid of failure.”

Truly confident people–from business leaders to politicians, from teachers to lawyers–simply are not intimidated by the possibility of failure. They do fail, but they don’t allow their future actions to be altered by this possibility.

Many people do not try to win; rather, they try not to lose. They don’t try to succeed; they try desperately not to fail. That is a sure route to nowhere, according to Alan Weiss, a fellow member of the National Speakers Association. He said, “I’d rather be going somewhere, even if I fail to get there, than assuredly going nowhere.”

This was the message of the poster in my former classroom: “Better to try and fail than not try and succeed.”

Wayne Gretzky, the great hockey player, said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

People who focus on success realize that with the risk comes the reward.

Just for a moment, think of some challenge you have had. Although you may not want to repeat the experience, if you faced it and worked through it,  you might realize that your are actually better for the adversity. A smooth sea never made a good sailor.

One of the most common comments I receive from my seminars—and a section in my book is devoted to it—has to do with the recognition that YOU CANNOT LEARN AND BE PERFECT AT THE SAME
TIME.

When we remove the fear of failure, we free ourselves to innovate, to explore, to take a different direction, and to experiment. There is nothing humiliating about failure since it is seldom fatal. If you don’t believe that, I suggest you read the biographies of Lincoln, Edison, or Jackie Robinson—to name a few.

How do we remove that fear of failure? The recipe is really quite simple. Ask yourself these two questions:
-What is the worst that can happen?
-Can I live with that outcome?

Think about it: When you were five years old, a year was one-fifth of your entire life. When you are fifty, it is but one-fiftieth—a mere fraction of the whole.

I would like to think that this may be part of the reason we learn some of the most important lessons in life during our fifth year. It is in kindergarten that socialization truly takes root.

In too many of today’s kindergarten classes, academic skills are emphasized—even though some, especially boys, may not be developmentally ready. Perhaps we should reflect that an emphasis on academics at too young an age deprives young people of a chance to learn what is really important in the fifth year of their lives.

Robert Fulghum’s book, “All I Really Need to Know, I learned in Kindergarten,” offers a wonderful review. In his own words, these are some the things he learned:

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Live a balanced life.
Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day.
When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.

Many of the teachers and students at my high school are operating at the the higher levels. However, I  often operate at Level B. I became aware of this while listening to you. I will be working to change my approach. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

Response:

Dear High School Principal,

You have hit upon a significant point which needs to be brought to the attention of school administrators everywhere.

Every time you are about to TELL, ask yourself this question: “How can I say this in a POSITIVE and ENCOURAGING WAY? Example: “You are right on track. You may also want to consider. . . .”

Note that telling is not the same as sharing. Sharing is necessary and is noncoercive. Telling, on the other hand, connotes criticism. The implicit message is that something needs to be changed. Although change may be challenging, we often engage in it. In contrast, no one likes to be told to change.

Another strategy is to ask a reflective question. Example: “Can you think of anything else that should be done?” This type of question is both positive and challenging.

Be sure the questions engender positive feelings, are within the person’s ability, and are reasonable. I once worked for a supervisor who asked questions that alienated people. His questions prompted negative feelings because what he was asking was unreasonable.

Asking reflective questions is a skill. Anyone who wants to influence others should practice it. In fact, asking reflective questions is one of the most important skills anyone can use to effect change. Reflective questions are noncoercive, do not prompt feelings of self-defensiveness, and improve relationships.

A significant factor in asking a question is that there is an assumption that you care about the person with whom your are conversing.

When communicating with others, therefore, instead of thinking of the right thing to say, think of a question to ask. The sooner you inculcate the mode of asking questions—instead of telling—the less stressful it will be for you and the more successful you will become.

Asking reflective questions prompts the other person towards evaluation of their actions. Here are three reflective questions which can assist you in influencing others:
—Is there any other way this could be handled?
—What would a responsible action look like?
—What do you think an extraordinary person would do in this situation?

Remember that people change themselves, and the most effective way to influence others TO WANT TO CHANGE is through a noncoercive approach. The most effective noncoercive strategy is through prompting the person to reflect.

Consider: When you do the talking, who does the thinking?
When you do the asking, who does the thinking?

Some additional reflective questions can be found at this link.

The sooner you inculcate the mode of asking reflective questions—instead of telling—the less stressful it will be for you, and the more successful you will become.

Reflective questions prompt evaluation of the person’s own behavior. An example to a young person is, “In the long run, is what you are doing in your own best interests?”

If the question is evaded, ask a second time.

Follow up with another question that stimulates thinking such as, ”If what you are doing is not getting you what you want, what

could you do differently?”

If he says he doesn’t know, then you could ask, “What would an extraordinary person do in this situation?”

Examples of reflective questions can be found at reflective questions.

Persistence accounts for much of achievement. A major quality that classifies people as gifted is that they stick to a task.

What is it that allows a person to persevere? According to Art Costa of the Institute for Habits of the Mind,  they have a repertoire. These people have many different ways to solve a problem. If you only have one way to solve a problem and if you try it and if it doesn’t work, you will have a tendency to give up.

But people who persist will try a plan, and if that approach doesn’t work, they go to another plan. If that one doesn’t work, they create another and continue to search until they are satisfied.

Having a repertoire of problem-solving processes is what allows and encourages persistence.

The concept of persisting or persevering has to do with knowing how to behave when you DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER.

In school, we were accustomed to receiving tests back with a score assigned. The score represented the number of answers we knew. But the critical point in life is not the number of correct answers we know but how we behave when we don’t know.

Most of the problems we face in life have no easy answers. When confronted with a dilemma, an enigma, or a problem that is ambiguous, do you think of alternatives to meet the challenge or do you say to yourself, “I can’t do this?” and then give up.

It’s more beneficial to learn and teach three ways to solve one problem than it is to teach just one way to solve three problems.

“That’s a great catch,” said the tourist. “How long did it take you?” “Not so long,” said the fisherman. “Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” “This one’s enough to keep my family provided for,” came the response.

“What do you do with the rest of your time?” inquired the visitor.

“I sleep late, I fish a little, I play with my children, then I have lunch, and take a siesta with my wife. We stroll into the village every evening. We sip wine, listen to the guitar players, and I play cards with my amigos. It’s a full and rich life, senor.”

“I think I can help you,” the visitor said. “I’m here on a vacation having just finished my MBA. You’ve got to spend more time fishing, buy yourself a bigger boat, make more money, and then perhaps several boats until you’ve got a fleet. Don’t sell your catch to a middleman. Sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. Then you can control the product, control the production, and control the distribution. You could then leave your small town behind, move to Mexico City, then maybe to Los Angeles, and eventually perhaps New York to run your own expanding company.”

“But senior, how long would this take?”

Oh, 15, 20 years.”

“But what then?”

“Well, that’s the best part,” the young man proudly stated. ”When the time is right, you could float stock on the stock market and make millions of dollars.”

“Millions you say. And then what?”

“Well then you could retire. Move to a pretty village by the sea. Sleep late, fish a little, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evening, sip wine, listen to the sounds of the guitars, and play cards with your friends.”

The pessimist allows problems to rent cognitive space. But why think of problems when you can fill your head with solutions?

How you respond to a new idea is an example of what you put in your head. Do you immediately dismiss it? Do you see it as foolishness? Or do you allow yourself to examine the idea, to try it on for size, and think, “It just might be worth trying?”

The positive person is open to the new, the different, and the innovative. How you respond to new ideas could be the difference between your learning and growing—or stagnating.

When you reflect on it, you will conclude that positive folks have almost always been more right than the negative ones. Every tangible item we possess or use was created by someone—somewhere who thought, “Now that’s an idea that’s worth trying.”

Nothing was ever invented or created by somebody who said the reverse: “That will never work.”

Positive people practice positive expectations. They know that what they think has an effect on their expectations. Myron Trubus said, “There is no such thing as immaculate perception. What you see is what you thought before you looked.” Psychologists refer to this as a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” If you expect the good to happen, more often than not, it will. And if you expect a bad thing to happen, it often does.

Why deprive yourself of the power of the positive? It’s an attitude you can develop. Just think, “It might work,” and then practice positive expectations.