I am at the end of my tether with my 6-year old son. He does not pay attention and is distracting in class. At home everything is fine. He has got a behavior book that he brings to school so his teacher records his behavior for the day. He brings that home and he is punished accordingly, such as early bedtime, no toys/cartoons. He promises to behave, but he never does. Could you please point me in the right direction.

RESPONSE: 

Take him for a walk and have a conversation with him. (Boys will not open up like girls. Boys will open up more if they are doing something—playing checkers, walking, or involved in some activity.)

After starting the conversation on a light subject, ask him  if he finds the work very difficult. If he does, get a commitment from him to show you an example. If you perceive he has some learning difficulty, inform the school that you would like him tested. Also, have his hearing and vision tested.

During your activity with him, also ask him how he FEELS about his teacher.

If he does not feel he has a good relationship with his teacher, there is a problem. Have him relate his feelings to you and determine (a) how he can choose to respond to his feelings and (b) develop some procedure he can use to redirect negative thoughts so his impulses will not overcome him.

Share your observations with his teacher. Include sharing the three practices of the teaching model.

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A mother called me the other day to tell me Dr. Marshall’s levels of development are working even at home. Her first grade son is very tired at the end of each day. On the previous evening he had soccer practice after school and about 6:30 p.m. she was trying to get him to take a bath. He was lying on the bathroom floor naked and crying, “I am not going to take a bath and I am not getting my picture taken!” (The next day was picture day.) His mother calmly responded by saying, “I guess I will have to call Mrs. O’Donnell (his teacher) and tell her you are at level A behavior.”

He immediately got off the floor and took his bath without another complaint.

I have 2 sons, 13 and  15. They fight all the time! It’s not just a punch here, and a shove there; it escalates to a down and out brawl. My older son tells me I favor the younger. I try to be fair, but my older son just likes to “pick, pick, pick” at the younger one, and my younger son has a quick fire temper. He just can’t ignore the “picking.” He retaliates.

When they both tell me how a fight started, they each have a different story. Whom do I believe?

How can I stop the fighting, and how can I make them respect me again?

The stress of these daily fights is affecting my health. It can’t be good for them either.

MY RESPONSE:

Next time a fight occurs, have each of them write down his version of how the fight started and then come up with a solution to prevent it from occuring again.

After handing you their little assignment, have the brothers read the other’s paper out loud. This will help each understand the other brother’s feelings. The brothers are not “released” until they come to an agreement on how to prevent a future incident. However, each brother can only say what he, himself, will do (or refrain from doing) in the future. (See solving circles in the book.)

Regarding respect for you, inform the boys that they lose respect for themselves when they do not respect you. Then, stop telling them what to do or not do. Instead, elicit a behavior or future procedure  by asking reflective questions, e.g., “What would a responsible person do in this situation?” Have them write down their responses, show them to you, and then they file them when necessary for future reference.

This period is difficult for both youth and parents largely because adolescents become so independent of parents that controlling them is difficult. Attempts at continual control often lead to a reluctance to do what the parent wishes, which in turn leads to a power struggle, resulting in even more reluctance, resentment, and rebellion.

Parents assume that adolescent rebellion and hostility are an inevitable function of this stage of development. However, I believe the real reason is that these young people become more able to resist parental power. Many adolescents behave as they do because they have acquired enough strength and resources to satisfy their own desires and have attained enough of their own power so that they do not fear the power of their parents.

Adolescents, therefore, do not rebel against their parents; they rebel against their power.

If parents were to rely less on power and more on noncoercive types of influence from infancy on, there would be little left for children to rebel against when they become adolescents.

The use of power and coercion to affect change in the young (really, with any person) has severe limitations. These limitations with the young come before parents realize the power struggles they have created.

Many of these struggles are the results of using external coercive and manipulative approaches described in the last section of the parenting book.

He is now sleeping all day and working for a charity part-time, 5-9, when he wants to go in (not often). He is also the lead singer for a band with a bunch of college students. They practice a few times a week. They make no money because anything they make they put back into a recording studio they rent. He is into writing poetry and writes the songs for them. He seems to think that his summer job as a lifeguard and swimming instructor (6 years) will sustain him.

He pays for his car insurance, telephone, and student loan but always late. He is always living on the edge. My husband told him that if he does not go to work at this point he does not want him going out or having anyone over. Yesterday, he slept all day, did not go to work, and got up to go to band practice. My husband said, “If you leave, do not bother coming home tonight. Sleep at a friend’s because the door will be locked.” My son said, “I have to go because we are doing a show tomorrow night” and he left.

My husband locked the door behind him when he went to work at 5; yet my son was in his bed when I went up to check on my daughter this morning. He should have been at work. I have been working on helping my son become a responsible young man. He thinks we are ”too uptight” and should learn to relax more. “Everything will work out.” He seems to have no work ethic, but he does have  strong spirituality. I know this was lengthy and maybe not appropriate to send to you, but I know my son has many gifts and talents, and I do not know where to go from here.

RESPONSE:

Always keep in mind that you will not be able to change him. He can only change himself.

The immediate issue is how you can all live together comfortably. Put your feelings on the table and put two questions to him:

1) What can WE do so we feel comfortable in our home?
2) What can YOU do so we feel we are responsible parents?

In essence, the discussion will be around what can be worked out so all FEEL good about the resolution. It is critical that you share your feelings—namely, that you feel that YOU ARE ENABLING him to act in a way that you believe is a reflection of your poor parenting.

This noncoercive approach of allowing him to help you reach satisfaction will be more effective and far less stressful than a coercive approach of your attempting to change him.

Dr. William Glasser’s book, “Unhappy Teenagers: A Way for Parents to Reach Them” would be a good investment for you. You can purchase Dr. Glasser’s book from the William Glasser Institute at 800.899.0688.

My new parenting book, “Parenting without Stress: How to Raise Responsible Kids while Keeping a Life of Your Own” would also be of great assistance.

Be positive and never give up. Continue to send the message that you love your son and that you have faith he will live a productive life while having some consideration for his parents.

From what I infer he is not in danger of hurting himself or others, he acts in a safe manner, and he has good values. Your nurturing his nature will achieve what you desire more than any other approach. He has a talent for writing and music. Encourage him. Let him know that you would like to enjoy his talents by his sharing with you.

Finally, continue to reflect on the 1944 tune by Harold Arlen with lyrics by Johnny Mercer” ”Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.”

Make believe and pretending are integral parts of childhood.

Reflect: Has the tooth fairy, the elves on St. Patrick’s day, or Santa Claus ever hurt anyone?

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

This is an embarrassing situation for me. I have a strange problem with my son that I have never heard about before. He is fifteen years old and has been stealing my clothes or his sister’s clothing and cutting them up into little pieces with scissors or cutting our underwear into a thong. We have had him seeing a psychiatric therapist for over a year, with no resolution to this problem. He seems to do this without any warning or reason. I can’t link it to anger at us, although he may just not be expressing his anger. It seems like an act of anger. He doesn’t talk or express his emotions much at all.

I have required him to earn the money to buy us new clothing to replace the items he destroyed, but that has not stopped him from doing it again. Is there anything you can suggest?

RESPONSE:

The embarrassment should be his, not yours.

Completely stop all forms of coercion. Have a conversation with your son letting him know that when he feels pressure from you, he is to let you know—so you will be aware of it.

But keep your standards. When he does something that is not acceptable, simply say in a calm voice and relaxed body, “That is not acceptable. What do you suggest we do about it?”

Notice that rather than imposing a consequence you are eliciting one. Also, focus on a procedure he can use in case he gets the impulse again—rather than focusing on punishment. If he says, “I don’t know.” Replay with, “As capable as you are, we both know better. What would an extraordinary person do?” If this is not successful, have him come up with a different procedure. Continue this approach.

Also, encourage him to share with one of his friends or counselor what he has done and suggest that they may help him come up with a procedure (not punishment) which may assist him. He won’t want to take you up on this. But notice that you have employed the second practice: the empowerment of choice.

Good luck and persevere in being positive, offering choices, and asking questions that will prompt him to reflect.

QUESTION:

I am mother of two young children (age 3 and 2). I just finished reading the second chapter of your book about motivating. How can I apply the theories for young children? I think without giving rewards and punishments it is hard to make them learn appropriate/inappropriate behavior. Is it too abstract for a preschooler to understand internal motivation?

RESPONSE:

Yes, your children are too young to understand the concept of internal motivation. However, you can teach them appropriate behavior without using rewards or punishments.

Here are a few techniques:

1. When the child does something that is not appropriate, lightly touch a wrist and move your head sideways (in a “no” “no”motion). Persevere. You may have to do this a number of times before comprehension sets in.

2. When the child starts to cry because he does not receive what he “needs” (read: “wants” or “seeks”), hug the child. If crying continues, hug harder.

3. Divert the child’s attention with another activity.

4. When your three-year-old is able to understand, continually use the phrase, “ Show me what is the right thing to do.”

Download “Tips for Parents.”

Enjoy their childhood.

The reporter inquired, “Then what did you do to develop them so that they became
millionaires? “

“You develop people the same way you mine gold,” Carnegie explained. “You go into a gold mine and you expect to remove tons of dirt to find an ounce of gold. But you don’t go into the mine looking for the dirt; you go in there looking for the gold.”

—page 26 from the book, Parenting Without Stress.

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