Henry Clay Frick was the coke magnate who joined forces with Andrew Carnegie, the world’s largest steel maker in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century. Coke (the coal type) is necessary for the manufacture of steel. Frick was an early art collector, and his acreage in Pittsburgh now houses not only his mansion but a wonderful museum.

When he become more involved in finance, Frick built a second mansion in Manhattan (70th Street at 5th Avenue), just east of Central Park. The “Frick Collection,” in this majestic marble structure, shares some of the world’s most famous European paintings—including Rembrandt van Rijn’s most famous self-portrait. An audio-cassette is at your disposal to take you through some of the treasures of classical art.

J. Pierpont Morgan (Why use “John” when you have a name like “Pierpont”?) was Mr. Wall Street himself. His son built a duplicate mansion of his father’s which now houses the Morgan Library (36th and Madison). Whereas Frick collected masterpieces of European art, Morgan collected masterpieces of prose. His three Gutenburg Bibles give a sampling of why scholars of history find the collection so valuable. The only majestic, private collection I have seen to compare is John Adams’ collection in Quincy, Massachusetts.

RESPONSE:

Standards must be kept. However, I focus on the positive and use contingencies—rather than focusing on punishments, which are negative.

As a former athletic director of a large urban high school, here is how I approached it: It is a privilege to be on an athletic team. Membership on a team can be one of the greatest experiences a young person can have.

Second point to students: This is a team endeavor. The team comes first. Therefore, only those things that add to the team’s best interests are allowed.

Here is the kicker and what a contingency looks like: You may continue to participate if you. . . . (to be completed).

Traditional thinking imposes punishments. Contingencies, in contrast, focus on the positive and put the responsibility on the youth.

If a person does not live up to the contingency, the follow-up action begins. It is not the action but rather the positive, internally motivational approach that is critical.

Note also that with a contingency the responsibility is on the youngster. With punishment, the responsibility is on the enforcer.

Now, if the problem has to do with regular physical education classes, rather than athletics, we are in a different situation.

First, the curriculum needs to be looked at, viz., are athletics the focus or physical education the focus? Although not mutually exclusive, they are not synonymous.

If a student refuses to dress or participate, the student has a very personal reason for it. Forcing obedience will not be successful with a person whose personal feelings and beliefs are more important than a teacher’s request. In such cases, a student will choose defiance.

Using reflective questions and then empowering and encouraging will go further than forcing obedience.

Finally, you have a personal and professional decision to make. You know from your experience how to build youth. Let your fellow coaches get on your train. Don’t leave yours to join them.

Attentive listening means listening WITHOUT DISTRACTION. I have met very few people who have practiced this approach to the point of making it a skill.

My financial planner was one such person. Cory had the knack of conveying the feeling that, when you were with her, you had her undivided attention. I don’t know if she learned the skill or if it was just natural with her, but I remember the charismatic impression it made on me.

On the other hand, I also remember the negative feelings engendered while attempting to converse with a principal with whom I once worked. I felt I had just 30 seconds to get my point across; after 30 seconds, his attention went elsewhere.

I know of one person who was constantly interrupted whenever she was with her boss. One day she simply said, “Could you give me 10 minutes of uninterrupted time?” After the meeting, her boss told her that it was the best meeting they ever had. She agreed.

We send implicit messages by the way we listen.

As the chair of an accreditation team representing the Western Association of Schools and Colleges, I was sitting in the principal’s office. The meeting was in a large urban high school in the second largest school district in the nation. That year the school was celebrating its 100th anniversary. As I was conversing with the principal and the accrediting team, the principal kept answering the telephone. Aside from the rudeness, the implicit message was that the accreditation team’s evaluation of the high school was less important than his compunction to answer the phone.

If you have a tendency to wander after listening for a few minutes but want to improve you relationships, use this technique: Listen as if you were going to repeat back what is being said to you. This technique can help you resist any tendency to multitask—and that includes interrupting.

It is important to give young people your undivided attention when conversing with them. It sends the message that you acknowledge them. Almost above anything else, young people want to be acknowledged—especially teenagers. Don’t lose precious few moments of connection. In addition, your modeling will help them learn this important communication skill.

Let young children know ahead of time when you might be expecting an urgent phone call. That way, when your  play time is interrupted,  they will understand; they will understand  that their time with you is not secondary.

When it comes to listening, walking the talk means being conscious of and practicing the skill of attentive listening.

Parents who want to improve this and other skills will profit by linking to the parenting book.

Not that you remember your last dream, but if you asked yourself whether you visualized the dream in words—as you are reading now—or you visualized in pictures (images), you will conclude that you dreamt in visuals. (Remember that in human history reading is a relevantly recent development, and only in very recent times has the printed word become available to the “common folk.”)

Being aware that people think in pictures—that they construct visuals in their minds—can help you become more effective.

When in an airport recently, I  heard the gate agent say to a young boy, “Don’t go down the ramp.” I knew a problem had been created. Just a few minutes after the airport official finished his sentence, I saw him chase after the youngster—down the ramp.

Can you picture “Don’t”?

Think of the parent who has a challenge with the child who wets his bed. After tucking him in, the parent said, “Don’t wet your bed tonight.” What will the child visualize upon falling asleep?

How much more effective would be the statement, “Let’s see if you can keep your bed dry tonight.”

Which statement conjures up the image the parent wants?

Chances are the airline gate agent would have had less stress and more success saying to the youngster, who was curious to go down the ramp, something like, “Everyone needs a special pass to go there.”

While waiting in the office to present a seminar to a middle school faculty recently, I glanced at the school rules—-all phrased in negative terms. Automatically, my mental exercise was to immediately rephrase them in positive terms. The process is so easy once you become conscious of it and practice changing negative pictures into positive ones.

My experiences have taught me that people do better with positive images rather than with negative ones.

Let’s not forget that we adults are grown-up kids in this regard. We also communicate and process information best in picture form. Communicate your message by painting the picture you WANT to have created, not the one you don’t want.

Robert Louis Stevenson, the Scottish-American writer wrote, “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”

Here are a few thoughts that may assist in this most important endeavor.

What is important is how FREQUENTLY, not how intensely, you are happy. The thrills of winning in Las Vegas, an intense joy of a personal encounter, or having a peak of ecstasy are wonderful moments. But happiness comes from being content most of the time. This occurs when you have thoughts and feelings of well being, an inner sense of balance and purpose.

Good news such as getting a promotion or winning a lottery prompts happiness for a while. Then we adapt. Bad news such as ending a relationship or losing a job brings sadness for awhile. Then we adapt. Adaptation explains why people can be happy after physically disabling accidents and tragedies.

Adaptation starts with an aim to be happy. This sounds obvious, but often we don’t make happiness a priority. Here is a simple procedure. Write the words, “I intend to be happy today,” on a piece of paper and stick it on the bathroom mirror. When you look at it in the morning, stop and reflect. Ask yourself, “What can I be happy about today?” This reflective question and your response will direct your self-talk throughout the day.

Posting the note and taking time to reflect will remind you to be grateful during your day for that which contributes to happiness—be it joking with a co-worker, stopping to gaze and smell the splendor of a flower, drinking your favorite cup of coffee, or spending a special moment with someone.

Happiness hides in life’s small details. If you’re not looking, you will not see them.

As a youth growing up in Hollywood, California, I would hear Al Jarvis, a disk jockey on radio station KFWB, often say, “It’s the little things in life that mean the most to all of us.” I was lucky. I listened and learned this wisdom at a young age. And I am grateful for it.

“Dr. Marvin Marshall’s book addresses a fundamental problem that every society must solve: how to produce individuals who will take responsibility for doing the important tasks that need to get done. He focuses on what is the essence of good citizenship in the home, school, and nation. Using some of the latest findings of social science, Dr. Marshall has developed an approach that enables parents and teachers to help young people grow into responsible citizens and live satisfying and rewarding inner-directed lives.”
—Gene Griessman, Ph.D., Author of “THE WORDS LINCOLN LIVED BY”

I am using the RAISE RESPONSIBILITY SYSTEM and feel like I am not only training my students, but training myself, also. It’s taking practice to learn to say “Certainly, when you have….” instead of “No!” But it’s working when I do.

It feels odd to simply say “Thank you” when a student tells me the level of behavior he or she was acting on and move on. Most of the time it works powerfully. They look at me with a baffled expression and we go on with class. Sometimes, there is an atmosphere that doesn’t seem to be working, and I’m not sure what to do next. I went back to the old method of names and checks on the board Friday (highly approved of at my school) but that isn’t working for me. I’m struggling with how to move into doing the responsibility essay and which one to use and when.

I have shared the “chair” illustration with so many people—the one that shows how good it feels to be responsible. It makes total sense to me. Thanks for the new mantra to learn and use: “Responsibility finds a way; irresponsibility finds an excuse.” I’m excited to find a way to make the system work for me.

RESPONSE:

A few suggestions:
Use the Essay Form and the Self-Diagnostic Referral, the third part of Chapter Three in the book.

Pick one or two students who are really causing problems and tell them that YOU have a problem and NEED THEIR HELP. Don’t be afraid to do this. It puts them in a position of helping you and empowers them. Do this in private and have a few ideas how they can help you, e.g., secretary to record the lesson and report to the class the next day, coordinate the passing out or collecting of supplies—anything where they are given some responsibility.

When students feel good about themselves, almost invariably as a result of their own efforts, their chances of behaving on levels C or D dramatically increase.

When someone continues to disrupt the class, have a private conversation and say, “Is what you are doing is  appropriate for your potential?” What do you suggest we do about it? (Be ready to ask, “What else?” “What else?” until you are satisfied with an answer. If the student says, “I don’t know,” respond with an empowering remark, such as, “As capable as you are, I don’t believe that.” After eliciting an acceptable consequence, establish a procedure by asking, “What specifically will you do to remind yourself when the urge comes again?”

Check the section of the book on classroom meetings. Put the problem on the table. Let them know that it is not your problem, but theirs. You will teach whether or not they learn. Teaching is what you do. They have the choice to learn or not. You will not force them to learn—that you cannot force learning even if you wanted to. You are in the boat together. They have the choice of rowing together with you and making  progress or pulling in a different direction and going nowhere—but they will not be allowed to rock the boat. Conclude with the charge: “The decision is yours.”

The key is to have high expectations (levels C or D) and to empower them, rather than overpower them.

Dejected players filed into a team meeting a few days before the game. Holtz picked up some newspapers and pointed out that papers have a front page for people who want the news, an editorial page for those who want opinions, and comics for people who want to be amused. He continued, “I’m amazed that you’re ready to roll over and die because you read your obituary in the newspapers.”

He warned them, “Don’t let other people tear you down and destroy your confidence.”

Holtz then asked each athlete to stand up and explain why he thought Arkansas could win the game.

Each player stood, one by one, and pointed out one of the team’s strengths or what a particular individual had to offer. As they talked, Holtz reported that he could actually see their attitudes changing. They realized their strengths and made a commitment to one another to do their best.

Following that meeting, the Arkansas team had an unbelievable practice. The next day, they beat Oklahoma 31-6.

Holtz’ motivational secret was to prompt the players to tell him why they were good. After he pointed his players in a positive direction, he just listened.

The former astronaut (first American to orbit the earth, 1962, and former four-term Ohio Senator) recently initiated a “service leadership” program, a joint effort of the John Glenn Institute for Public Service and Public Policy and the Kellogg Foundation.

I mentioned that I had been the principal of Norwalk High School when he visited John Glenn High School, his namesake, and a neighboring high school in the Norwalk-La Mirada Unified School District in Los Angeles County. My point to him was that the “service learning” project is a very significant contribution.

Past generations had a high priority for teaching qualities of character—such as respect for elders, appropriate dress showing deference to the occasion, manners, and those behaviors that make for social civility.

However, young parents of recent generations emphasize feeling over behavior. Parents are very concerned with children’s happiness. Children are often given, not only what they desire, but also additional services and items of material value in attempts to make them happy. Good intentions, but this can lead to dependency and lack of responsibility.

Since self-esteem and how people feel have become of paramount importance, parents believe that external approaches such as rewarding youngsters for appropriate behavior and praising them for good acts are thought to be necessary.

Good intentions, again! But look at the results. Youngsters ask, “If I do that, what will I get?”

The simple wisdom has been lost. People gain and grow by GIVING, rather than by receiving. It is in the EFFORT that a person grows. Self-worth emanates from feelings of satisfaction—rather than by external comments from other people.

I am not suggesting that people should not be recognized, but I am suggesting that feelings and beliefs of self-worth do not emanate from external sources. They are the result of our thinking and what we do—our efforts and the satisfactions that come from them.

John Glenn’s “service learning” encourages one of the most valuable approaches towards growth and responsibility. As the motto of Rotary International states, “Service Above Self.”

(Pavlov was smart enough not to use a cat; cats, like humans, are too independent.)

Operant conditioning, in contrast to classical conditioning, is concerned with how an action may be controlled by a stimulus that comes AFTER it, rather than before it. When a reward follows a behavior, then that behavior is likely to be repeated. Today, we refer to this psychology as “behaviorism.”

Burros Frederic Skinner (1904-1990), the famed Harvard University psychologist,  became popular with this practice of behaviorism. Skinner preferred the term “reinforcement.” Skinnerians (behaviorists) are apt to argue that virtually everything—even who we are—can be explained in terms of the principal of reinforcement. The supposition is that all behavior is the result of external influences (that which is reinforced, e.g., reward the dog for doing what you want, and ignore behavior you do not want reinforced). Internal motivation of any kind is never considered.

Behaviorists speak about how “organisms” learn based upon the assumption that humans are animals—different from other animals only in the types of behaviors displayed. It is no wonder that, with this belief, Skinner conducted most of his experiments on rodents and pigeons and wrote most of his books about people.

Unfortunately, many educational policy makers are still espousing this approach by mandating Positive Behavior Intervention  and Support (PBIS or PBS for short).

More about external motivators and their ineffectiveness with people can be found at AboutDiscipline.com.